“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 17:17

Friendship is essential to this life. I wouldn’t have survived middles school without my friends. I barely survived college because of my friends. They have seen me through the toughest of times.

Family is a gift from the Lord. This is true. It is the way the Lord blesses and works through the generations. For good or for bad, your family is where you learn your identity. These hallowed relationships form and solidify how you see yourself and how you look at the world around you. Both when you grow to resemble your families ideals and virtues and when you consciously break free from their patterns. Family, with all of its gifts and hardships, is foundational to who you are. Holy scripture speaks a great deal about family.

It’s far more sparse in talking of the merits of friendship. Oh, it’s in the Good Book to be sure. But you have to dig a little deeper to find wisdom and truth regarding the power and blessing of a true friend.

In his sermon on 1st Thessalonians 4, church father John Chrysostom says this, “Nothing makes life so beautiful as true friendship, and nothing is so difficult to find.”

Would you agree?

Why are friends—true friends—so vital to our lives and so difficult to find. Why are true friends so difficult to keep?

I recall a caring father who was having a heart to heart with his adult son. The young man was stressed because he was longing to find love but was striking out. He was ready to yoke his heart to another but struggling to find the right young woman. The wise father invited his son to take a sheet of paper and write down all the qualities he was looking for in a spouse.

A week later the son brought the list to his father. It had many of the usual traits on it: kind, loyal, faithful, fun. And some that fit perfectly to the young man: adventurous, devout, and many more. The father read the list out loud as the son nodded thoughtfully with each trait.

With care and wisdom the father made only one edit to the list. At the top of the page where his boy had written “My Future Spouse’s Traits.” The Father drew a line through the words ‘Future Spouse’s’ and handed it back to his son.

“Son, don’t look for this in another. Start by being this yourself.”

The reality of our current world is that we are more connected than we have ever been. In an instant we can communicate with people all over the world. You can zoom and FaceTime with people with the push of a button. My social media has a list of thousands of people and the potential for millions more of connections. We’ve never been more connected. And yet, every social science study tells us that we have never been more isolated. Our youth and young adults have never felt more alone.

Each of us is searching for a sense of belonging, a connection that is real and true. Part of it is identity related—where do I fit in; who are my people? And part of it is a longing to share joys and sorrows with someone beyond those we are bonded to as family.

The beauty of a friend is, as the proverb states, they come in when everyone else walks out. Friends show up at your door. They are the ones you can call in the middle of the night and they will answer. A friend who shows up in the storm is a treasure.

Who’s your friend? Who is the one that helps settle your heart; recalibrate your hysteria; and makes you laugh through the pain and fear?

A friend is a gift from God. It is through my friends, the history we share and the stories we create, that I taste more clearly the gift of this life. Friends are one of the ways I know God’s love.

What traits do you seek in a friend and how do you embody these yourself?